Today I’m going to talk about something that I consider to be one of my fears: Failure.
The idea of not being able to achieve something, or literally fail at something scares me because a lot of the time, I just spend hours daydreaming about what I could do in the future. Although I like to be spontaneous and live in the present and not think about the future consequences, I also dream big. I have big aspirations- being an actress is one of them. And my chosen industry is hard to get into, so even though I know this, I still like to think I’m good enough to be given a chance. But if it doesn’t work out? What then?
As you know, I can’t wait to go to University and I’ve already chosen a top two just by looking online and at their prospectuses. I haven’t been to an open day yet, but I just have this feeling that… feels right. I think both of them want pretty high grades from students to get in, so if I choose them as my first and second choice, there’s still the chance that I might not get into either of them if I don’t get the grades. And then what?
I’ve imagined all the things that could happen in my future and University is one of them. I’d also love to travel, and although I’m not thinking about going on a Gap Year, if the University offers a Year Abroad on my course, then I’m going to take that chance. However, there’s that pessimistic voice at the back of my mind always asking me: What if it doesn’t work out?
I’m scared of failure because from past experiences, it just brings me down to a state where I can’t talk to anyone about it and I’d much rather spend a couple of hours crying my eyes out, on my own in my room telling myself “What’s the point? This is way out of my league!”
I think I’m also scared of disappointing others. I often put across that everything will be fine, even if I don’t feel like it will work out. I like to please other people, and I’ve realized that when I tell others that something will be “Okay”, I’m also telling that to myself. I hate feeling down and like I’m worthless because I’ve not been able to do something or it hasn’t worked out and that’s why I think I’m scared of failure- I associate that feeling with it and it’s awful. Especially when it keeps happening over and over like a cycle that I can’t get out of, and that’s when I break down.
There are times when it’s not so serious. I accidentally nearly blew up the kitchen a few months ago when I was baking, and you can argue that that was a failure, but it was funny because it was so unexpected and I was in shock so I didn’t know how to react. But that’s different because an attempt at baking a Swiss Roll isn’t going to determine my future.
So… what are you afraid of? Or not necessarily afraid, but maybe something that worries you? I’ve found through writing this, I think of all the times when I’ve managed to lift myself up and be the optimist everyone knows me as. Maybe it could help you?