ramblings

A Debate With Myself


Hey guys!

I am in the midst of my A-Levels at the moment, and I just keep asking myself whether I’ve done enough for them.

In the last 8 months, I kind of felt like my exams were a hundred years away, and the fact I only have 5 exams this year, it kind of makes me feel like they’re less important. And I hate feeling like this. I know they’re not, but I just don’t feel like I’ve revised as much as I did for my GCSE’s last year, even though I had about four times as many exams!

The thing is, I am an optimist. But there is a side to me who doubts everything I do. I don’t show this side, because half the time I focus on making other people happy and encouraging them to be the best version of themselves, and it just leaves me wondering whether I should take my own advice but… I don’t know what’s the best version of myself. I haven’t changed for anyone, and that’s something I believe in, so does that mean I’m the best version of myself already? This makes me feel a bit… disappointed in a way, because I feel like I have nothing to work towards.

HOWEVER.

I don’t like to get myself down. I think that when I’m upset, I should just forget about it, because I’m the person who people come to (at least I hope so) for advice yet, I haven’t got someone who I feel I can be completely open with. Shocking, yes. I want another version of me for me, but it doesn’t really have the same effect if I just walk around talking to myself. I can’t make these big decisions on my own.

As you know, I want to go to University. I can’t wait. I want to do Drama and English Literature, and in an ideal world, everything will be fine, I’ll get the grades and live happily ever after. But there’s a part of me who just can’t see that happening when I don’t feel like I’ve done enough work towards these things, and that terrifies me. I have no idea what I’m going to do if everything I’ve planned in my head just… goes. How would I prepare myself for something like that? To be honest, I’d be devastated.

I tend to prepare myself for the worst, so I’ll either be really happy if the outcome is better than expected, or not so down if the result isn’t great. I’m still questioning whether or not I’ve done enough. I thought doing this would help me come to some conclusion, but thinking about it, I think it’ll be okay. I hope so anyway.

Gee, this is one confusing post. Apologies for not being able to make up my mind…

I don’t really know where to go from here… I feel like the last few posts have just been mind farts- Just everything I’ve been thinking or worrying about and just splurting them out on the page. There’s so much in my head I feel that this blog is my escape. In a sense, my blog is the other version of me that I’ve been looking for. But being me, I’m not quite satisfied.

I’d just like to say, I don’t hate my friends or feel like I can’t talk to them. That’s not where I was going. It’s just me trying to explain my incredibly complicated mind and I can’t even figure out what half of it all means.

I’m going to wrap this out now, all this thinking is making me really tired, so, until next time- when I will hopefully have a post which is better planned out… Oh God that was not worded well…

-The Storyteller

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