For some reason, in the last two years I’ve been around in the Blogosphere, it has slipped my mind to write about a post that makes me… me. So here it is. The big one. The thing I may have accidentally forgotten to mention.
I cannot make decisions.
There we go, it’s out there now, no going back.
Basically, when it comes to making a decision, I sit there for ten minutes at least “Ooh-ing” and “Aah-ing” about which path I should choose. Unless of course I really know what I do want, for example, I would rather choose a chocolate cake than a carrot cake, or a cake that butter icing than a cake that has marzipan… By the way, it’s not just cakes I struggle with. I was just making a point.
Anyway. It’s things like, if someone gave me two options which I either both like, or both dislike, or I just don’t feel strongly about, I sit there for ages saying “I don’t mind!” which gets really frustrating when someone asks me what I want to do.
“Hey Janet, what do you feel like doing today?”
“Um… Well. Um. I don’t… I… We… What… Um…”
It does get annoying, but recently I think I have gotten better in the decision-making-department. I’ve decided to go with my gut more, but then I get times when I honestly have no idea what my gut feeling is so I sit there all panicked like “Oh God stop judging me please I can’t help it okay thanks.” (Forgive my lack of punctuation in that last sentence…)
The one decision I have been faced with recently… well. I’ve been thinking about it for ages but I’m still unsure whether to do it or not, is to make a YouTube channel. I have friends who have started recently, but we’re not like, really close friends so I kind of think that if I started then they’d be like “ugh she’s just copying” or something. Which I’m sure they won’t but that’s just how my mind works and that’s how I get put off stuff. Also I don’t know if I’d have enough to say. (Hah, only joking!) But also, I wouldn’t know if I would tell loads of my friends about it or not because even though it sounds contradictory, in a way, I don’t want loads of attention although I want to be an actress and everyone pays attention to you. I don’t know. I mean, with my blog, I was influenced to do it by some really close friends so I obviously told them about it, but with YouTube, it’s another big leap into the world of the internet and stalkers.
I don’t know. And I worry that if I do make a YouTube channel, then I will use all my blog ideas on a video rather than writing it, so I’m afraid of losing my blog which I have grown very attached to, and I’ve found a way to get my point across without loads of judgement. Because it’s how I see it, and I feel safer in this blogging world than I would in a vlogging world. But at the same time, I want to build my confidence up and I think that’s the main problem. I am confident in certain things, but I wonder if taking this leap would help me even more.
What do you think? Would you watch me talking for about 5 minutes every week? I don’t even know if I’d plan the videos, because I hate planning stuff, and it takes so much time… I should probably apply that to my essays. But that’s another matter.
A bit off topic there! Sorry. But back to the point. Again.
So I’m at that stage of constantly asking myself, “Do I or don’t I?” But I honestly don’t know what to do. I want to do it, but I don’t know if I can bring myself to upload a video of myself. It’s weird how much I can doubt myself on this topic.
Oh I almost forgot to mention my other default, although it is completely irrelevant to this post, but I think that after two years of this relationship, it’s time to come clean. I can’t open new bottles. Usually plastic ones, to be specific.